Pausing in the apartment foyer, Gary checked his mailbox. Today to his
surprise it contained a long, stiff cardboard box of unusual dimensions,
about 3X3X10 inches, jammed among the catalogs, addressed to him using a
computer-printed paste-on. He turned it back and forth: no return address.
Prominently on one side was the legend, STORE IN A COOL PLACE. No problem
there: February is cool even in Texas. Hefting it in hand, he guessed its
weight at nearly a pound. What in the world? On the elevator going up he
studied it, thinking of anthrax, smallpox, explosives. A stick of dynamite
would just about fit. Then he began to chuckle, ending in a bray of
laughter as the doors opened on his floor.
Who would care to blow him up? Hadn’t his mother-in-law said just last
year that he wasn’t worth the powder to do it? That relationship, his most
aggravating since childhood, had eased since the divorce. Literally he
could think of no enemy. Well, he did write stories for ASSM and
occasionally join in the spats on ASSD, but that was all Internet
anonymous. Wasn’t it? Ex-submariners do not lack courage. He found a
sharp steak knife still resting in the now-unused kitchen drawer and opened
the package carefully, grinning like an idiot, half expecting his world to
vanish in a red flash. Inside was bubble wrap rolled around a long,
chocolate-brown object. Laughing incredulously, he wondered if one of the
people at work had sent him a turd for his birthday, now only a few days
off. Popping the tape, he unwrapped the thing gingerly, keeping fingertips
away from it. His nose told him the truth first. Pre-turd! Lying atop
the open bubble wrap was an irregular but curiously familiar cylinder of
pure milk chocolate, one end swollen as if to form a base, the other
crowned with a slitted blunt helmet. Now his incredulous laugh took a
different tone. This thing was a replica casting, in solid milk chocolate,
of an erect human penis. “Good god!” he cried in awe. Only in porn movies
had he ever seen a larger. It contained no inscription. Examining the
packing material, he found nothing to indicate the source. Who might have
sent him this thing? Surely not Vera! It had to be Vera! He thought of
her as a consolation prize for losing the wife who had learned independence
during his years at sea. Vera was loyal and willing but he had never
suspected her of such lusty depths as this. Depths? His own average cock
was enough to reach her cervix; how much depth could she want? Ah ha! He
snapped his fingers. She loved to be licked. That was the answer. She
wanted him to let this chocolate cock melt in her, then eat it back out.
Giving his imagination full rein, he grinned in anticipation. What a
combination! He loved tongue on chocolate almost as much as she loved it
on clit. Okay. He would do her up brown!
* * *
“Let me see the one on the right.” The porn store clerk brought out the
package to the top of the glass counter. “You mind if I open it?” asked
Gary. The beefy young man sneered. “If you open it, you buy it.” The
directions on the back, especially the diagrams, told Gary what he needed
to know. Grinning at the clerk, he ripped the end off the flimsy box and
pulled out the dangling article. “Damn it!” snarled the clerk, actually
balling a fist, “I said if -” “Relax. I’ve decided to buy it, even if $44
is exorbitant for a couple of elastic belts.” “Oh.” The man took a deep
breath. “Okay. How about this set of dildoes for it? They’re designed to
fit on it here where -” “No thanks. I only need the belt.” The man looked
puzzled. “You sure your dicks will fit? This is a new design.” Gary
smiled confidently. “That’s why they make electric drills.”
* * *
“What in the world did you put in me, Gary?” “Does it feel funny, Vera?”
“No, not exactly. It smells funny!” “Well, what’d you expect? How do like
it? Is it getting deep enough?” “Oh, yes, all the way. But, but . it
feels like you’re going soft!” “That’s because you are verily a hot number,
Vera!” “Do hurry up. The odor is making me hungry.” He laughed aloud. “Me
too! I think that’s enough, don’t you?” “Gary, I don’t under- Wow! Ooo,
that’s . that’s wonderful! Oh, Gary, you know I love it.” She laughed
weakly. “But don’t try to put your whole face in there!”
* * *
“Hello.” “Hi, Gary. Remember me?” “Julia!” He laughed. “That’s a voice
I’ll never forget. How’ve you been, honey? Oops! Excuse me. Old
habits.” “I don’t mind if you call me honey. Even to my face. We’re not
enemies, Gary.” “Tell your mother that.” She laughed wryly. “Mom sends her
love. Listen, I called up to wish you a happy birthday, this being your
first since our divorce.” “Thank you.” “And to make sure you fully
appreciate it.” “Appreciate? It’s not as if I’m turning 40, for Christ’s
sake!” She chuckled softly. “No, not again. But I was killing two birds
with one stone. I remembered something you said once. And of course I
know what you love.” “I’m sure you do. What was it I said?” “I couldn’t
find the words then but now you know anyway.” “What was it, Julia?” She
laughed in obvious enjoyment. “You wondered what it felt like to have a
cock in your mouth.”